This past weekend was a wild week in the world of NFL football. I sat on my couch all day and watched every minute. Now, here is my expert analysis of what went down this weekend.

Sean Payton doesn’t have any friends and wears workout gloves in the gym

Screenshot 2018-01-15 18.46.24.png

If Sean Payton had any real friends, they would’ve told him to take off those dopey looking ladies glasses. Seriously, you’re on national television and it looks like you mugged Millie for those glasses before the game. Based on Sean Payton’s choice of glasses, I can also determine that he is also the kind of guy who wears workout gloves in the gym. For anybody reading this who wears workout gloves in the gym, either donate them (along with your Saints and Steelers Super Bowl shirts), sell them or throw them out because you look like the biggest dork in the weight room.

Mike Tomlin Stinks

Can we all finally admit that Mike Tomlin stinks, or is at least wildly overrated?Pittsburgh isn’t any less talented than any other team in football, meanwhile, they’re the one team that is most prone to blow up in a big spot, on either end of the field. Yesterday’s game against Jacksonville was just proof of this. First of all, the entire team looked like they just rolled out of bed and wandered onto the field. They looked like zombies out there, the entire performance was pathetic. Based on the energy they displayed, it looked like they were hungover from the night before and their lack of preparedness made them look like they’ve never read a playbook before. That’s all on the coaching. Call me when that happens under some of the best coaches in football because it doesn’t. Furthermore, why did Pittsburgh keep trying those stupid screen passes ten yards behind the line of scrimmage, they never work! What really put the nail in the coffin is at the end of the game after Pittsburgh scored to cut Jacksonville’s lead down to a touchdown, Mike made the worst play-call of the year by going for an onsides kick when they’re down 3 with 2:18 left in the game with two timeouts and the two-minute warning. Why not just kick it deep and trust your defense to get a stop? I understand, the defense hasn’t played phenomenally throughout the game, but if you don’t recover an onsides kick, the game is over if they kick a field goal and it’s easier to stop Jacksonville’s offense with enough time to get down the field when you have two timeouts and a two-minute warning than it is to recover an onsides kick. Worst of all, he couldn’t even acknowledge that he made a mind-numbingly stupid mistake after the game, “We wanted to get the ball back,” Tomlin said. “We hadn’t stopped them convincingly enough to take any other approach, in my opinion. And it was my decision.” Really? You have this little faith in your own defense that you’re more confident in recovering an onside kick than your defense getting a stop against the Jaguars!? Look at some analytics, the chances of recovering an onsides kick are considerably lower than forcing a 3 and out. Hell, you didn’t even necessarily need to force a 3 and out. We’re talking about Blake Bortles for God’s sake, not Aaron Rodgers. You know they’ll just play it safe and run the ball a bunch of times and hope to pin you back and let their defense stop you. Based on the way everything played out, Pittsburgh would’ve been able to tie the game and take it to overtime if Tomlin would’ve just made the logical coaching decision. Because of this, every Steeler fan should be able to sue Mike Tomlin for their psychiatric medication.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t just on Mike Tomlin if it weren’t for an early interception and a fumble recovery for a touchdown, Pittsburgh wins. It’s as if Big Ben forgot how to protect the football in the pocket. Stupidity and carelessness lost Pittsburgh the game.

Biggest Losers of the Weekend

  1. Dan Fouts

    For the love of God, send Dan Fouts home, he’s awful. He doesn’t even sound coherent. He offers no insight, no energy, nothing. Hell, it sounds like he’s high on Nyquil the entire broadcast. And this is the second best color analyst out there? You double bag Phil Sims and throw him out with the trash, yet you keep a guy who pronounces Jaguars, “Jagwires.” Good going CBS. I wonder if anybody behind the scenes told him, “Hey Dan, there’s no such thing as a “Jagwire.”

  2. The Hawaii Emergency worker who hit the wrong button in Hawaii sending the entire island into a panic

    Woah, talk about taking butt dialing to a whole new level. This reminds me a bit of when Draymond Green took a picture of his junk and accidentally posted it on his Snapchat story, or stories of guys who get caught cheating on their wives due to a butt dial, but neither of these aforementioned examples ever sent an entire state into a panic. If I were the guy who did this, I would just tell everybody that I have gigantic fingers and that’s why it’s difficult to press singular buttons. I also would like to see this guy to start a podcast with Marcus Williams, should be interesting.

  3. The Saints and Marcus Williams:

    We all saw Marcus Williams make the worst play since Rahim Moore five years ago when he let Jacoby Jones get behind him for a touchdown sending the game into OT. In short, Marcus Williams was the Hawaii Emergency worker who sent the entire state into a frenzy of sports. There’s a solid chance that if Marcus Williams just stays behind, Diggs, like they do in practice, he makes a tackle in-bounds and the game is over. If the Saints would’ve beaten the Vikings, they could’ve ended up winning the Superbowl, there’s no doubt on my mind they would’ve beaten the Eagles. It also sucks from a ratings and fan’s perspective. The Vikings and Millie are a nice story and all, but who doesn’t want to see a Tom Brady-Drew Brees Super Bowl, the ratings would be through the roof. I’d rather see Drew Brees than either Nick Foles or case Keenum go to the Super Bowl. I’ll give Marcus Williams some credit, the imaginary 12th man got mauled on that play. But seriously, if you’re a Saints fan or Marcus Williams, I don’t know how you sleep. If that happened to the Jets, I would develop a severe case of insomnia.

  4. Anybody who took my advice and picked the Steelers and the under

    This weekend, I went 2-3-1 in my picks, which actually isn’t bad. But, I may have made the worst prediction in the history of sports. In my latest article making gambling picks for the weekend, I advised everybody to take the under and Pittsburgh. Before the first quarter ended, my under prediction was already wrong. In fact, each team hit the over by themselves. Although Sam Ponder picked the Titans to beat the Patriots, which is pretty bad, it still wasn’t as bad as my Steelers, Jaguars pick. I would have to say, I’m proud of myself because being this wrong about a game is as impressive as being right. It’s hard to make this bad of a pick. #fadethepick.

  5. Whoever cut Joe Buck’s hair.

    Let the picture speak for itself. Screenshot 2018-01-15 13.34.14.png

 

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Written by Nick DiMartino

I'm currently a Junior Sports Media major at Sacred Heart University. I'm a fan of the Mets, Jets and Knicks, and I spend half my life on Twitter. I make fun of everybody in existence, so don't take it personally.

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